Women's experience of domestic abuse
Some people think it must be easy for a woman to leave a relationship where domestic abuse is happening – a woman can just get up and go.
The truth is, it is much harder to leave an abusive relationship than a non-abusive one. Many women do leave or try to leave, but it is a difficult and lonely process.
Leaving may not make a woman safer. In fact, leaving may often put her more at risk, at least in the short term.
For some women, especially new immigrant women or women who belong to specific cultures or religious groups, leaving is not an option because they may be rejected by the community and perhaps even their family.
Here are some quotes from women who have experienced domestic abuse in their relationships and how they felt…
“For years he had me believing it was my fault. He made me think I was stupid and ugly and I deserved what I got. I was scared I could never manage without him and no-one would ever want me or give me a job.”
“I loved him – I still do really. He put me in hospital twice but I just melted when I saw him crying. I thought hitting me showed he cared. I believed him when he said he would change.”
“He turned everyone against me. I had no friends, no social life, no support. He got our boys to keep track of my movements and tell him what I’d been doing and who I’d talked to. I knew he’d never let me go.”
“My mother, his mother, our counsellor and our minister all told me I should stay. They said he was trying to change and I needed to support him. I waited through six years of hell.”
There are many barriers that stand in the way of women trying to leave abusive relationships. The obstacles to overcome and risks women take in order to achieve safety are often enormous.
There can be huge pressures placed on a woman in this situation, including:
- financial pressures if the man controls the money
- isolation from other people and resources
- pressures from cultural or religious communities
- family pressures not to leave, pressures about the children
- promises from the man that he won’t do it again
Women say that they feel unable to make decisions and have no control over their lives. Their self-esteem and self-confidence has disappeared and they have lost a sense of their own self-worth and value.
Many women find leaving does not end the violence, but rather increases it. Separation is often the most dangerous time for a woman, and many domestic assaults reported to Police are inflicted after separation.
It is very hard to understand and accept that someone you love and have trusted can behave aggressively towards you. You may begin to think it is your fault. It is not!
It is not your fault.
Nothing you do or say is a reason for someone to abuse you and be violent.
Call our Free Helpline 0508 744 633
> See Setting up a safety plan for information on setting up long-term safety for you and your children.
You are never to blame for someone else’s abuse.
Cathy's Story
Gary and I were together for eleven years. He started calling me names, putting me down and hitting me not long after we were married. I was taught that you stay in a relationship no matter what, so I was determined to make it work.
I left him after the first year because I couldn't stand the violence and his constant monitoring of everything I did. I went to live with my family in Wellington. After a short time he came down there and we started to work on the problems. Things seemed better and I moved in with him again. He didn't hit me at all during that year but when we'd argue he'd throw stuff close to me. He'd throw an ashtray a few centimetres from my head, and then he'd say, "Don't make a big deal out of it, I didn't hit you". At the time I thought, well that's true, he didn't hit me.
We moved back to Auckland and the hitting started again. After he hit me, he would say that if I just hadn't done this or said that, he wouldn't have hit me. So I stopped doing the things that apparently were setting him off. He told me not to yell, so I stopped yelling. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I got a job, so I got a job. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I didn't drink, so I stopped drinking. But the violence didn't stop. He always had a reason. I kept trying to change my life so I wouldn't get hit.
I got a Protection Order - Gary was really pissed off and moved to Tauranga where his brother was living. He quickly moved in with a much younger woman. I was so glad to have some distance between us again. I have almost no contact with him today except the few times when he visits the children. I think he could have changed if he had done a programme or been confronted with his behaviour early on by someone he'd listen to. We didn't really know what to do or where to go. We went to counselling once but the counsellor couldn't or didn't want to deal with the abuse that was going on.
I know that Gary knew what he was doing wasn't right. Once he introduced me to Cheryl, a woman friend of his who was being hit by her boyfriend. He was outraged and wanted to find ways of helping her. But he couldn't make the connection between what he was doing to me and what was happening to Cheryl. That's why I think if someone had got to him he might have been forced to look at his own behaviour....
Healing for me is a long process. I thought when I left Gary everything would be OK, but it wasn't. It wasn't until I started going to women's groups and sorting through everything that had happened that I started to heal. I never saw myself as a battered woman. But I am gaining self-confidence. It's strange that after all that happened, I still have feelings for Gary. I mean we spent eleven years together, and had children together. Yet I don't think I could ever marry again. My trust level with men is pretty low and I'm not sure I would want to take the chance of another relationship.
> Go on to next section: Are you or your children in life-threatening danger?