Warning signs
Your current partner may be showing signs of changed behaviour now that you have been together for awhile and it may be confusing you. What may start as verbal put-downs and controlling actions may well become physical assaults over time.
Do any of these set off warning bells in your mind?
Your partner:
- Rings you at home and work a lot, to see where you are and what you are doing
- Blames ex-partners for all his problems, or for past relationships not working
- Criticises your girlfriends, and doesn’t like you seeing them
- Ridicules people who are different from him, calls other men ‘poofters’ or ‘gay’
- Can’t or won’t cook, refuses to do housework (talks about it as ‘women’s’ work)
- Drives aggressively and fast, is inconsiderate to other drivers
- Makes you go home, even if you don’t want to, when you are out together
- Questions what you have spent money on and expects you to justify it
- Gets hurt, moody or upset if you give attention to others, especially male friends or ex-partners
- Swears and calls you names
- Sees fighting as a way of proving manhood and strength
- Has physically grabbed you, or held you down to stop you moving away.
If you are a man being abused, these questions may also be relevant for you.
The section ‘How can friends and family help abusive men?’ will give you ideas for what someone can say to your partner/boyfriend if you think he is, or is becoming, controlling.
Is domestic abuse happening to you?
How safe are you in your relationship?
Often domestic abuse can start with the sort of behaviour like that listed on the warning signs list above. Things may get better for a little while after an incident, but the violence and abuse will usually happen again and get more violent and dangerous as time goes on. You may become fearful of what ‘mood’ your partner might be in and become afraid for your safety and that of your children.
Take some time to look at the following questions. Whether it has happened once or many times, these behaviours indicate that your partner is choosing to use a system of power and control over you. Ticking the examples that apply to your situation may alert you to the dangerousness of the situation.
Has your partner ever...
- Accused you of having affairs or being sexual with others?
- Acted like you are a possession that can be owned?
- Smashed or broken things around the house?
- Monitored or limited your phone calls, conversations and email?
- Threatened to leave you or told you to leave?
- Kept you from seeing family and friends?
- Taken away money from you or controlled the money?
- Called you fat or ugly or lazy, or made you feel bad about the way you look?
- Said that you were ‘asking for it’ after physically hitting or abusing you?
- Taken away the keys to the car so you can’t go out?
- Threatened to hurt the children, pets, a friend or members of your family?
- Used the children to threaten you - for example, told you that you would lose custody or you’ll never see the children again?
- Made you do something very humiliating or degrading?
- Insisted you dress more or less sexually than you want?
- Called you a whore, slut or other derogatory names?
- Made you have sex after emotional or physical abuse or when you are sick?
- Made you beg for sexual affection or attention?
- Threatened to turn you into the IRD, Work and Income or other authorities?
- Pushed, shoved or pulled you?
- Slapped, kicked or punched you?
- Thrown objects at you?
- Threatened to hurt himself if you don’t stay in the relationship?
If you identify with any of these, you are probably being abused. Remember -- domestic abuse is not just about physical violence; it is any behaviour that aims to exert control over you.
> Go on to next section: Women's Experience of Domestic Abuse.