Who can offer support and help? How can friends and family help?
If you are a victim of domestic abuse - you are not alone. Shine offers support and information for victims of violence. Trained advocates work individually with you to identify your needs and provide information and support.
There is a Free Helpline 0508 744 633 operating between 7:30am-11pm Monday-Friday, and 9am-11pm on weekends for help and advice.
> Read more about the Shine Helpline service
If you would like face-to-face support, please ring the Helpline for a referral either to a Shine advocate if you are in Auckland, or to another service near you if you are outside of Auckland. Shine Advocates can provide face-to-face support at our Auckland office in Kingsland, Monday to Friday from 8am-4pm.
People experiencing domestic abuse can get a range of information from Shine as well as:
- support and help with safety plans
- help for your children
- emergency accommodation and referrals
- Shine Safe House or Women’s Refuge information and referrals
- legal advice, lawyers names and contact numbers for the local area
- doctors' names and contact numbers
- legal, medical and other services
- information and help with contacting other agencies, such as Work and Income, Department of Child, Youth and Family Services and Inland Revenue Department.
Nobody will pressure you to leave your relationship or make choices that you may not be ready for.
Women’s domestic abuse support and education groups
Women’s support and education groups offer women the chance to learn about their situation and options. There is a lot of support from other women who understand your situation.
The groups will help you by:
- providing a safe and confidential environment to work through your experiences
- helping to build your self-esteem and confidence
- giving you an understanding of power and control issues in relationships
- giving support and strength, to help you plan a brighter future
- giving ongoing information and support for you and your children.
Shine encourages women to join a women’s support and education group before they decide to have one-on-one counselling.
Call the Free Helpline 0508 744 633 for information about local groups and services.
Counsellors and therapists
Many women find counsellors and therapists very helpful. We encourage women to attend group-based programmes that specialise in domestic abuse education because, while many counsellors and therapists are highly trained, they may have little or no specific training in dealing safely with domestic abuse. If you do want to see a counsellor or therapist, you can call the Free Helpline 0508 744 633 , and Shine can help you find a counsellor or therapist who specialises in dealing with domestic abuse.
This also applies to doctors. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your doctor, we can put you in touch with a doctor who has specific training in domestic abuse.
How can friends and family help or take action against abuse?
If you know about physical or sexual abuse happening now, call the Police on 111. This action ensures that the offender is held accountable. Abuse is criminal behaviour. You can help by not playing down the seriousness of their crime.
Helping someone being abused
You may know, or be aware of someone who is being abused. You may have witnessed it, heard it, seen signs or have good reason to believe it's going on. It may be a friend, relative, neighbour or workmate. What are you going to do? Don't ignore it. Break the silence and you'll also break the isolation and shame that victims often feel.
Ask about safety
Be open about what you think, but don't label the person as a victim. Give them encouragement and space to talk.
You can say things like: How's it going with your partner? Are you safe? How are things at home? What does he do when he's stressed or angry?
Be prepared to ask about violence directly
Has he ever shouted at you or pushed you or hit you? That's a nasty mark/bruise/injury. Has someone hurt you? I'm worried about what I'm hearing and seeing. Tell me what's happening.
Acknowledge feelings
Remember that words like 'victim' or 'abuse' may not describe how they see things. Offer a chance to talk some more.
It's not surprising you've been stressed - that sounds really intimidating/frightening. It's impressive that you're coping with that sort of pressure. How are you managing to keep it all together?
State that violence and abuse is not OK
It's important that you are clear and consistent with this message - it might be the first time that the person has heard it. Often people can feel disloyal to their partner and may want to make excuses for their behaviour.
It's important they hear things like: It's not your fault. There's no excuse for that sort of behaviour. You are entitled to be safe.
Check for current safety
If the person's immediate safety seems uncertain, encourage them to make urgent phone contact with a specialist domestic abuse service – the Shine Helpline can help you find these services. These services can help with steps to increase safety. If anyone is in immediate danger, call the Police on 111.
Are you afraid he might kill you, or have you ever felt like that? How safe do you feel right now?
Offer contact with a specialist domestic violence service
Give written contacts if you have them. I'm concerned about you/your safety. I'd really like to see you get some more support - this is a very tough situation. There are some really excellent help services set up to help in just this sort of situation - are you ready to contact these people?
Offer to stay in touch, or to talk about it another time
Sometimes abuse victims choose to deny a problem or prefer not to discuss it with you now. If they know you care, they may be open to discuss it later with you or someone else. Either way they have received helpful messages.
My door's always open. You might like to talk to me about it another time - that's OK.
Some things we want abused people to do may put them in more danger
The most dangerous times for abused women are usually when she is leaving her partner; when she testifies in court; and the six-month period after she has left him. He may have repeatedly threatened her about leaving. What you consider reasonable action may be deadly for her. Keeping quiet may be less dangerous. There may be limits to what you can offer. NZ research shows that women feel best served and supported by specialist domestic violence intervention organisations and women's centres. Give your friend/family member the contact information, preferably on an easily hidden card. You may not be able to solve the problem for them but with support, information and time, they may regain safety and control in their life.
Remember to tell her things like: His violence is not OK. This is not your fault.
Talking to someone who is using abusive behaviour
If you are going to talk to someone who is using abusive behaviour, it is important to stress that your concern stems from personal observations or from what someone told you who is not their partner/the victim. Do not tell him that your concern stems from what his partner has told you, as this will severely compromise her safety. It's best, if you can, to let the woman involved know that you want to speak to the man and discuss with her what would be useful and safe for you to say.
Some other ideas that might help:
- Seek support if you need to
- Choose a time when you are both calm
- Choose a place that is private but not isolated
- Talk from a position of support rather than challenge
- Talk about what you have noticed
- Focus on what can be done now, rather than blaming or accusing
- Try to finish the conversation by suggesting some positive things they can do
- Keep in touch afterwards
- Offer them support
- Remember you can talk to Shine if you need our help or advice.
If you or someone you know and trust has influence with the man, it is important to talk to him, provided it seems safe to do so. Male family members and friends have a responsibility to speak with the man and protect those being abused. This is especially true in situations where men hold more status than women.
It is also a good idea to talk with other women who know and understand domestic abuse and listen to their suggestions. This will help to keep those involved safe, without causing unnecessary problems.
Encourage men to enrol in a stopping violence programme that puts the safety of women and children first, which you can read more about in the next section.
For information and advice call the Free Helpline 0508 744 633.
> For more ideas and thoughts about helping someone you know who is experiencing family violence, visit www.areyouok.org.nz