Pregnancy, children and parenting
Pregnancy
Many women are abused for the first time during pregnancy. When this happens it is a sign that the baby is in danger of being abused once born and later in life.
Not only is there a risk of physical harm to the mother and baby, but the unborn baby also experiences the mother's fear. They don’t need to be physically hurt themselves to suffer serious distress. Whenever there is shouting, hitting, crying and fear in the home, babies experience it.
Any abusive behaviour is a serious warning sign and it is important to seek help if this is happening to you.
Children
Family violence affects children too. Every year, thousands of New Zealand children are seriously traumatised by domestic abuse.
Children and youth who have been abused or neglected at home are more vulnerable to other types of abuse, especially sexual abuse.
Of 27 OECD countries, New Zealand recorded the third highest child homicide rate of children up to the age of 14.
There is a direct relationship between partner abuse and child abuse. Emotional and behavioural problems for children who witness abuse (of one parent by the other) mirror those of children who are physically abused. The longterm impact on children is the same, whether they witness abuse between parents or are the direct targets of abuse (Mertin and Mohr, 2002) (Kitzmann et al, 2003) (Runyan, 2006) (Carroll, J., 1994).
Most mothers who are being abused try very hard to protect their children from being exposed to violence, but a child is not being protected if they hear or see abusive behaviour, or even experience the aftereffects of the abuse, e.g. a mother who is depressed, anxious, injured, etc.. It’s important to remember that children are very sensitive. They pick up on what’s happening and become frightened and confused.
Adults often think or hope that children don't realise that their mothers are being abused ('the children were asleep', 'they were outside playing,' 'too little to understand,' etc). However, studies show that children can often give detailed descriptions of the abuse that their parents thought they weren’t even aware of.
Even children pretending to be asleep can describe in detail what they have heard.
“The bad noises come when I’m asleep.”
– Luca
Research has established that the experience of children in their very earliest years—well before they have language—impacts on the brain and its control of social and emotional behaviour.
> Visit www.brainwave.org.nz for more information about children's brain development
The effects on children of being exposed to violence may not show up straight away. It can take days, weeks, months or even years. Because of the delay, parents, teachers and professionals can easily make the mistake of blaming the child for being ‘difficult’ or ‘naughty’.
Children learn from observing and reacting to what they see happen in their families. By six years old, children will have learned a great deal about the roles expected of them and the kind of behaviour associated with those roles.
Children may become very unreasonable and hard to manage, even blame their mothers and loved ones for what has happened. They may start to believe that violence is normal and acceptable and behave aggressively themselves. As adults, they may think it is OK to be violent in their relationships.
There can be problems at school with bullying other children or being bullied, disobedience and poor academic behaviour. They may also become super achievers, hiding the emotional damage of domestic abuse.
They may be frightened into being unusually well behaved or extremely helpful and take on jobs too big for their age. Children may become clingy. They may act as if it’s their job to look after adults.
Older children can show anti-social behaviour, have suicidal thoughts, or escape into drugs and alcohol. The violence they see may be repeated in their own lives and relationships as they grow older.
Help for Children
There are specialist services available in the community to work with children who have experienced domestic abuse in some way. Some of these are children's domestic violence programmes approved by the Ministry of Justice. Specialist services generally also provide understanding and support for the mothers.
You can help find these groups and programmes by ringing Shine's free Helpline at 0508-744-633. We believe it is extremely important to offer children the specialist help available to them when they have been exposed to domestic abuse.
Shine runs a service called KIDshine in Auckland for children who have been affected by domestic abuse.
“I know what to do now if I’m scared, I know how to ring the police and I know that it’s not my fault.”
- KIDshine child
Parenting in a context of domestic abuse
Parenting is a demanding job at the best of times. Violence can steal the resources and strength a mother needs for parenting her children. Many women who are victims of domestic abuse find that their ability to parent is obstructed and/or eroded by constant exposure to threats, violence, and other tactics of control/abuse.
For all of the reasons above and a whole lot more, domestic abuse can severely damage the relationship between a child and his or her mother, even years after a mother has left her abusive partner. Women who believe that their children were not aware of the abuse, are unlikely to ever speak about it with them, and thus it can become a taboo subject and a barrier to a normal and healthy relationship between mother and child.
Many mothers are not able on their own to repair this relationship. Again, there is help available through specialist services: see above under ‘Help for Children’.
Children's Voices
“He punched her in the face. She fell over. He kicked her.”
“While he was kicking my mum I was holding Michael and crying.”
Sarah, age 7
“We just stand and listen. I want to get in between but I am too scared. I am mean not helping her.”
Jack, age 5
“I saw my dad push my mum in the wall. I didn’t see it all cause I went next door. The man let me stay.”
Natasha, age 6
“Mummy locked herself in the bathroom and cried because she was scared of daddy. I wanted to be with her, but I couldn’t open the door.”
Poppy, age 10
“Dad had been drinking. He threw mum on the floor and got a big knife from the kitchen. He strangled her. He said ‘I am going to kill your mother tonight.’ I said ‘No, Dad, don’t hurt Mum’, but he wouldn’t stop. Mum was saying to me ‘help me’ but I didn’t know what to do.”
Emma, age 4
“All blood came out of her face. She needed a towel. I cry lots of times. She was bleeding on her nose. She had sore arms. She had to go to the doctor.”
Aroha, age 3
“I scared of daddy, not mummy. He’s gonna catch mummy. Because mummy is scared of daddy too cause he still really angry.”
Paul, age 4
“My eyes stay awake (at night). My dad might kill my mum in the night. He hit her bad before. There was lots of blood.”
Eli, age 3
“My dad hit my mum. My dad pushed mum onto the fridge. Dad is naughty for hitting mum cause it makes mum say ‘no, no’.”
Charlotte, age 6
“He gets a mean look on his face and doesn’t look like my daddy.”
Young People & Relationship Violence
When young people date or are in intimate relationships there is the possibility that violence will often be denied or minimised. Some young men will naturally expect to be "in charge" in a relationship and assume that their partners accept this.
Many young men and women lack the skills or experience to communicate their needs and expectations adequately. Arguments, differences of opinion and battles of will can quickly become abusive and violent.
Sexual abuse, including rape, can occur in teenage relationships. Young women may be forced, manipulated or coerced into unwanted sexual activities. Consenting to a kiss doesn't mean consent is given to sexual intercourse.
Many victims are reluctant to let adults know that they have been abused. They may be fearful of the reaction and consequences or they may believe that they are to blame in some way. They may be afraid that controls will be put in place to restrict their freedom and friendships, or they may fear retaliation or rejection if they 'nark'.
Adults can help by making information and opportunities to talk about rights and responsibilities in relationships readily available and accessible to young people.
> Visit www.expect-respect.org.nz for more information
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