Introduction to Domestic Abuse
Are you feeling alone?
Worried about the safety of your children?
Blamed for everything that goes wrong?
Concerned about a friend?
Is your partner cruel to you sometimes?
You are not alone.
Everyone has the right to be safe at home.
At Shine we help anyone who is living with the fear of violence or abuse in their home. Many people who are being treated badly feel as though they are doing something to deserve the abuse. This is never true. Nobody deserves to be called names, insulted, humiliated, kept away from family and friends, controlled, hurt or frightened.
There is a direct relationship between domestic abuse and child abuse. Children who live in a home where there is fear are always affected by it. When you are ready, Shine can help you to take steps to keep yourself and your children safe and secure.
Family or domestic abuse can affect anyone. This information will help you to understand what domestic abuse is and who is out there in your community to help you or your friend.
Friends and family often want to help but are not sure what to do. This booklet will give practical ideas about how to support those who are being abused.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you are afraid for your safety right now, call 111. If you would like to talk to someone about your fears or concerns, phone our Free Helpline at 0508 744 633.
Most areas in New Zealand have people who can help you. Call us and we can help you reach them.
If you need help explaining your fears or concerns to other family members or friends – show them or tell them about this website.
We are here to help you.
What is domestic abuse or family violence?
Within a relationship, disagreements and arguments do occur – this is normal and both partners should be able to put forward their different points of view or concerns and discuss them together safely.
It is not normal for one partner to feel threatened, too frightened to argue back, or unsafe to disagree or express their opinion.
We use the descriptions domestic abuse and family violence. To most people these mean the same thing. The Police call it family violence, and the Family Court calls it domestic abuse. Some call it men’s violence against women, and some call it wife bashing. Most violence in private is intimate partner violence.
But what we call it is less important than understanding what it means.
Domestic abuse is extremely common in New Zealand. One in three women have experienced being abused by an intimate partner in their lifetime (Fanslow & Robinson, 2004). Overwhelmingly, women are the victims of most domestic abuse, but it can also sometimes affect men. It is not limited by ethnicity, culture, age, sexual identity or whether someone is rich or poor.
Here’s how we define it
Abuse is a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another in order to dominate and get their own way. Abuse is behaviour that physically harms, arouses fear, prevents a person from doing what they want, or compels them to behave in ways they do not freely choose.
Domestic abuse happens when one partner in a relationship, or a family member, intentionally and deliberately hurts another family member.
Domestic abuse is when one partner in a relationship uses different ways to gain power and control over another.
Domestic abuse comes in many different forms; physical, sexual, emotional and psychological, financial, and spiritual. Many women say that the emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad if not worse than the physical abuse and that it is harder to recover from.
Below is the Power and Control Wheel. It shows the most common forms of abuse that some men use against their partners to control them. The wheel was put together in the 1980s by women and children in Duluth, a small city in Minnesota, USA. Domestic abuse workers asked them to describe the most common ways they were being abused. The wheel is now used all around the world to help abused people understand what is happening to them, and to help people understand domestic abuse.
The Power and Control Wheel shows that physical violence is rarely used alone; it is often used together with sexual violence and emotional, psychological and financial abuse.
The Equality Wheel following shows what a healthy relationship looks like.
New Zealand law, under the 1995 Domestic Violence Act, defines “domestic violence” as
“violence against that person by any other person with whom that person is, or has been, in a domestic relationship. "Violence" means physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. This includes intimidation, harassment, damage to property, or threats of physical, sexual, or psychological abuse.”
This law also says that “a person psychologically abuses a child if that person:
(a) Causes or allows the child to see or hear the physical, sexual, or psychological abuse of a person with whom the child has a domestic relationship; or
(b) Puts the child, or allows the child to be put, at real risk of seeing or hearing that abuse occurring.”
Finally, the law says “A single act may amount to abuse. A number of acts that form part of a pattern of behaviour may amount to abuse, even though some or all of those acts, when viewed in isolation, may appear to be minor or trivial.”
The Power and Control Wheel
Are any of the sections in the wheel familiar to you? We have found that it can be useful to use a highlighter pen to colour in the tactics that have been used in a relationship. Are any of these tactics being used on you in your relationship? This is not love – this is control.
The Equality Wheel
This is how things should be in an equal relationship. Neither party needs to be the boss. Trust and love is built by equality between men and women. You deserve to be treated with respect, and for there to be no abuse or violence in your home or life.
These wheels used with the kind permission of the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, www.duluth-model.org.
How much domestic abuse is there in New Zealand?
Domestic abuse happens a lot within New Zealand families and relationships:
- 1 in 3 women experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a male partner in their lifetime
- Nearly half of all homicides in 2009 were domestic abuse related
- On average, 14 women, 10 children and 6 men are killed by a member of their family each year
- Police estimate that reported domestic abuse represents only 18% of the true incidence.
> For more information go to www.areyouok.org.nz
> Read the NZ Family Violence Clearinghouse factsheets on domestic violence
What types of relationships are involved in domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse can happen in any family or relationship. It can happen to anyone, regardless of his or her social group, background, race, class, religion, age, ability or disability, sexual orientation or lifestyle.
Domestic abuse may happen within all types of relationships.
The abuse can begin at any time -- right from the start of a relationship, when people move in together or get married, when a woman becomes pregnant or has a child, or after a couple have been together for many years.
Domestic Abuse within Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Relationships
GLBT relationships are often marginalized by society, making it even harder to ‘come out’ about abuse that is experienced within these relationships. Features of domestic abuse unique to these relationships are:
- threatening to out you to family or employers
- refusing to use your preferred pronoun
- hiding your hormones or anti retro viral drugs
- saying that abuse is a heterosexual problem, so what is happening in your relationship couldn’t possibly be abuse.
You may worry that others will not take the abuse seriously, particularly if you are in a same sex relationship and your partner is smaller than you. You may feel unsure whether what you are experiencing is abuse. Remember, you are still entitled to be safe in your own home, and you can take out a Protection Order if necessary.
There is support out there for you, ring our Free Helpline 0508 744 633 for help and more information.
You, Me, Us - Our People, Our Relationships is an initiative by Shine, OUTLINE NZ and Rainbow Youth with assistance and contribution from many fabulous members of our community. The initiative has produced some posters and a booklet full of useful tips to creating healthy relationships, identifying unhealthy relationships and ways to get help and get out as well.
> You, Me, Us - Our People, Our Relationships Campaign material that you can download and print off
> Go on to next section: Myths and Facts about Domestic Abuse