Victim Blaming
why does she stay with him? why did she let it go on so long? why doesn't she just leave?
if it's really that bad, she'd leave
These questions and comments are common in discussions about violence in family relationships and seem to assume that the victim doesn't mind too much or has the power to make changes. They further support attitudes that allow people to believe that using violence within their family is acceptable.
They also assume that leaving will end the relationship. That's not always true. Many victims are harassed long after leaving a violent relationship. For many, it's a time filled with fear and trepidation about what the abuser's reaction will be.
Women stay in violent relationships for a number of reasons:
- fatigue - too exhausted and vulnerable to manage life alone
- fault - self-blame is entrenched and supported by beliefs and attitudes in their family and the community
- fear - of severe retribution; of not being believed; of losing the children, their home, their contacts; of being alone
- finances - the possibility of having no financial support
- father - everyone says the kids need a dad
- false hope - that the abuser will change and become non-violent
- faith - 'till death do us part'; marriage is sacred
- familiarity - better the devil you know than face the world alone
