Men's Stories
Read about men's experiences of family violence and their involvement in Stopping Violence Programmes:
Jim
"At first I smashed things, then I started pushing and hitting her. When she was afraid, I always got my way. I was in control. When I finally stopped to think about what I was doing, I felt bad. I had hurt everyone around me, my kids, my wife, my friends. I was scared she'd leave me, so I went to the programme because I thought maybe she'd stay with me if I go to it.
At first I had no interest in the programme really. Then I started to listen and think about all the stuff they were saying, and it really did apply to me. Even though I've still got a long way to go to be really non-violent, I've stopped blaming her for everything, and I'm a better listener. I don't know if our relationship will last though. She really doesn't trust me because of what I've done. Either way, I'm glad I joined the programme now."
Geoff
"When I was married my priority wasn't my wife Anne or my child; it was where could I score my next deal. It was more what I wanted, rather than thinking about other people. I was getting out of it, going out with friends drinking, or both at the same time.
I used to bottle up what was going on for me, and if something was said or done that I disagreed with, I wouldn't talk to Anne, sometimes for three days. We'd go out and visit the family or whatever, and I might say a couple of words to her and people would pick up the vibes that we weren't talking. We'd come home and I wouldn't talk, until it got to the stage where she'd break down and couldn't handle it any longer. I'd won that session.
That made me feel a bit more powerful. We were together for seven years and the silent treatment happened often. Every time she'd break down first and apologise for some minor thing. By the end I had usually forgotten what had started it off, but once I began I was pretty stubborn, and I'd stay in there, silent. I was trying to make her break down.
She got so frustrated and started attacking me, and I slapped her. I hit her on the face and she fell onto the bed. She started crying quietly. To me that was the sign everything was right again. She'd break down in tears because she couldn't handle it any longer, and I'd know I'd won that session even if I'd forgotten what it was about. I was gaining more control over her.
My drinking and drugging was getting out of hand, but I didn't realise it then. Our son Thomas was about 18 months old then. There were two other times when I hit Anne. We had just done the shopping and I dropped the bag or something and Anne laughed. I swung this bag of bread and hit her in the head with it - and she laughed again. I was so ashamed about what I'd done and this started off periods of silence as well, especially when she went around telling people. I was embarrassed about it. I always seem to take it out on the people who care about me the most.
In sex I got what I wanted for myself - there was no thought about satisfying her, as long as I had a climax that was it. Sex was about getting what I wanted. I knew we had problems, but I was sexually satisfied. I wasn't taking any notice of what she wanted. I didn't see it as my hang-up - it was hers.
I used to call her a stupid bitch in front of other people, particularly when I was drinking. When I drank I used to become the party clown and do stupid things. I was unfaithful as well. Any time Anne wasn't there, I'd try and latch onto some other woman who would have sex with me, even a couple of times when Anne was there. Anne would ask where I'd been and I'd say 'Oh fuck off. What are you on about you silly bitch?' And I wouldn't talk to her. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I don't know how she stuck it out for all those years."
After losing both his partner and son, Geoff hit rock bottom. He has now completed both an Alcohol and Drug treatment and a Men's Stopping Violence Programme.
"I couldn't see any way of lifting myself out. I had no one to talk to. I didn't believe people were interested in my stuff - that was my low self-esteem. In the stopping violence programme, it's amazing to see physically strong and staunch men coming along and talking about their emotions and their behaviours towards their partners.
Now my relationship with my ex-wife and son is the best it's ever been. We've gone our different ways though and she has another partner. He's been around for a couple of years now, and the reaction Thomas has to him shows me he's a wonderful guy. For my son I can't ask for anything more. I see him whenever I can, and I talk to him on the phone every week. When Anne and I first separated, I'd say 'I want to see Thomas' but really I meant 'I want to see you'. There's no games like that going on now.
I have a new relationship, but I'm still learning and we don't live together. These days, because I understand myself a bit more, it's like a courting period. My expectations are not like they used to be. I have more of a trust of the other person."
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Vince
“I have always been a nice guy, and no, I have never hit women. I don't need to. I have lots of other ways of being just as controlling, and keeping other people liking me at the same time. Growing up I hardly ever got into physical fights, but I could intimidate people by mind games; devious reasoning, controlling behaviour through moods, withdrawal of affection, and the silent treatment - that was one of the most effective tools. I also isolated my partner from the people I didn't like- as if I had the right to tell her who her friends should be.
When I went to counselling after our relationship broke up, I realised I wasn't that nice. I also realised I was either going to stay that way, or I had to choose and do something different. So I became involved in men's stopping violence programmes. I found that very valuable - painful but valuable. It's my life, I've got to acknowledge all the terrible things I have done and let them go and get on with trying to do things more in line with how I now want to be."
Jason
“When I had a Protection Order taken out on me, I was mad as hell that I had to come to a programme. But then I started to listen and it made sense. Although it was hard, I started using what I learnt. Now I'm slowly pulling my life back together. I think all men could get heaps from programmes like these."
Rawiri
"Men in our society have lost their way. We think we have to be the boss to be a real man. It's a bunch of crap and it's destroying our families. For me now, the only way forward is to have an equal relationship with women. There's nothing to be scared of in that, yet most men think it's weakness if they don't get their own way all the time."
Tom
“I would reach a point where no matter what the court order said, I just didn't care. I was going to do something and nothing could stop me. Before you ever get to that place where you don't care anymore - leave. The situation won't change because you left it for a while, but how you deal with it may change totally.”
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