Choosing Non-Violence
Sometimes we are aware of our choice to use violence. At other times we make the choice so quickly, we think our violence "just happens."
Whenever you are having violent thoughts or making the choice to be violent, you can always choose to respond in a positive or non-abusive way. If you think you might use violence, it is better to remove yourself from the situation right away. Think about the consequences of your actions. Think about all the people you may hurt (including yourself) if you are violent. Think of the damage violence does to your relationship with your partner, your children and other people around you. You may then decide not to be violent.
- Remember that walking away from a difficult situation is a short-term way to remain non violent and should not be used to avoid difficult discussions. As you work to change your beliefs about violence and women in your life, your need to use emergency action to stay non violent will lessen.
- Talk to your partner about these ideas when you're both feeling like talking. Suggest that sometimes it may be better for you to take time away from the situation so that you are better able to stay non violent.
- Whenever you think you might be going to do something abusive, remember you do have the choice not to be violent. Don't raise your voice, swear, threaten, or use any intimidating behaviour.
- When possible go somewhere to relax and use positive self talk. Remind yourself of your long-term goals. Do not drive, drink alcohol or take drugs. It may help to walk, jog, or do some deep breathing to feel calmer.
- When you come back, if you still can't talk about it, decide with your partner on a good time to discuss the issue. It might be safer to talk it over together with someone you both trust.
- Sometimes after time apart, you may both decide the issue wasn't worth discussing, and you may both decide to drop it. If you discuss it again and you think you might be abusive, STOP - remember to choose non-violence.
Click here to return to Help for Abusers.
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Did you know?
1 in 3 women in NZ experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a male partner in their lifetime.
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