Cathy's Story

Gary and I were together for eleven years. He started calling me names, putting me down and hitting me not long after we were married. I was taught that you stay in a relationship no matter what, so I was determined to make it work. 

I left him after the first year because I couldn't stand the violence and his constant monitoring of everything I did. I went to live with my family in Wellington. After a short time he came down there and we started to work on the problems. Things seemed better and I moved in with him again. He didn't hit me at all during that year but when we'd argue he'd throw stuff close to me. He'd throw an ashtray a few centimetres from my head, and then he'd say, "Don't make a big deal out of it, I didn't hit you". At the time I thought, well that's true, he didn't hit me. 

We moved back to Auckland and the hitting started again. After he hit me, he would say that if I just hadn't done this or said that, he wouldn't have hit me. So I stopped doing the things that apparently were setting him off. He told me not to yell, so I stopped yelling. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I got a job, so I got a job. He told me he wouldn't hit me if I didn't drink, so I stopped drinking. But the violence didn't stop. He always had a reason. I kept trying to change my life so I wouldn't get hit. 

I got a Protection Order - Gary was really pissed off and moved to Tauranga where his brother was living. He quickly moved in with a much younger woman. I was so glad to have some distance between us again. I have almost no contact with him today except the few times when he visits the children. I think he could have changed if he had done a programme or been confronted with his behaviour early on by someone he'd listen to. We didn't really know what to do or where to go. We went to counselling once but the counsellor couldn't or didn't want to deal with the abuse that was going on. 

I know that Gary knew what he was doing wasn't right. Once he introduced me to Cheryl, a woman friend of his who was being hit by her boyfriend. He was outraged and wanted to find ways of helping her. But he couldn't make the connection between what he was doing to me and what was happening to Cheryl. That's why I think if someone had got to him he might have been forced to look at his own behaviour.... 

Healing for me is a long process. I thought when I left Gary everything would be OK, but it wasn't. It wasn't until I started going to women's groups and sorting through everything that had happened that I started to heal. I never saw myself as a battered woman. But I am gaining self-confidence. It's strange that after all that happened, I still have feelings for Gary. I mean we spent eleven years together, and had children together. Yet I don't think I could ever marry again. My trust level with men is pretty low and I'm not sure I would want to take the chance of another relationship.

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