Auditing your relationship
the best time to prevent an abusive relationship is before it starts
It is known that abusive relationships get worse as time goes on. What could be seen as a show of devotion early in the relationship can become a tactic to keep control of a partner as it develops. Years down the track it could characterise serious abuse and violence.
Women escaping from abusive relationships often say that the warning signs were there early on but they chose to ignore them, or to believe that they would be able to change their partner over time. Sadly, it's unusal for commitments to change without first reaching a crisis point. By then there is likely to have been deep unhappiness for everyone involved.
check if any of these statements apply to your current partner, male companion or boyfriend
Warning signs
- He is jealous and doesn't like you talking to other men (boys)
- He criticises your women (girl) friends and wants you to stop seeing them
- He wants to know where you are and who you are with all the time
- He tries to control your contacts with members of your family
- He often criticises what you wear or how you look
- He often criticises what you say and do
- He questions what you've spent money on
- He expects sex on demand
If they apply he is attempting to control your activities and who you see and talk to. If he can do this you will be much more dependent on him.
Hazard lights
- He tells people about things you did or said that are embarrassing and makes you feel stupid
- He blames you for things that go wrong for him
- He makes jokes which put you and other women down
- He calls you fat, lazy, stupid, ugly, a slut, or other things to make you feel bad
- He ignores your opinions or objections and does only what he wants
If any of these statements apply to him, he is putting you down and making you feel less confident and less in control of yourself.
Danger zone
- He drives too fast or does other dangerous things which scare you
- He goes too far when you are playing around and hurts you or holds you down to make you feel helpless
- He gets angry or violent when he drinks or uses drugs
- He threatens to break your belongings or destroy your property
- He threatens to hit you, hurt you or your friends, your pets or family
- He threatens to leave you or to kill himself if you don't do what he wants
- He forces you into sexual acts you don't want - by threats, coercion, or physical force
- He gets very angry about small unimportant things
- He won't express his thoughts or feelings and then he blows up
- He hits or physically assaults you in some way - he may be sorry afterwards but he does it
If he does any of these things, he is threatening you, is abusive, and in some cases physically violent.
no one ever deserves to be treated this way
Drawn from Community Action to Prevent Family Violence
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