Help for a Friend / Family Member
What can we do?
You may know, or be aware of someone who is being abused. You may have witnessed it, heard it, seen signs or have good reason to believe it's going on. It may be a friend, relative, neighbour or workmate. What are you going to do? Don't ignore it. Break the silence and you'll also break the isolation and shame that victims often feel.
Ask about safety
Be open about what you think, but don't label the person as a victim. Give them encouragement and space to talk.
How's it going with your partner? Are you safe? How are things at home? What does he do when he's stressed or angry?
Be prepared to ask about violence directly
Are you ever shouted at, pushed or hit? That's a nasty mark/bruise/injury. Has someone hurt you? I'm worried about what I'm hearing and seeing. Tell me what's happening.
Acknowledge feelings
Remember that words like 'victim' or 'abuse' may not describe how they see things. Offer a chance to talk some more.
It's not surprising you've been stressed - that sounds really intimidating/frightening! It's impressive that you're coping with that sort of pressure. How are you managing to keep it all together?
State that violence and abuse is not OK
It's important that you are clear and consistent with this message - it might be the first time that the person has heard it. Often people can feel disloyal to their partner and may want to make excuses for their behaviour. It's not your fault. There's no excuse for that sort of behaviour. You are entitled to be safe.
Check for current safety
If the person's immediate safety seems uncertain, encourage them to make urgent phone contact with one of the specialist family violence services - Shine* can help you find these services. These services can do a proper safety audit and help with the steps to increase safety. If anyone is in immediate danger, call the Police on 111. Have you ever been afraid of being killed? How safe do you feel right now?
Offer contact with a specialist domestic violence service
Give written contacts if you have them. I'm concerned about you/your safety. I'd really like to see you get some more support - this is a very tough situation. There are some really excellent help services set up to help in just this sort of situation - are you prepared to contact these people?
Offer to stay in touch, or to talk about it another time
Sometimes abuse victims choose to deny a problem or prefer not discuss it with you now. If they know you care, they may be open to discuss it later or with someone else. Either way they have received helpful messages. My door's always open. You might like to talk to me about it another time - that's OK.
Some things we want abused people to do may put them in more danger
The most dangerous times for many abused women are when she is leaving her partner; when she testifies in court; and the six-month period from when she has left him. He may have repeatedly threatened her about leaving. What you consider reasonable action may be deadly for her. Keeping quiet may be less dangerous.
There may be limits to what you can offer. NZ research shows that women feel best served and supported by specialist domestic violence intervention organisations and women's centres. Give your friend/family member the contact information, preferably on an easily hidden card. You may not be able to solve the problem for them but with support, information and time, they may regain safety and control in their life.
Remember:
Telling people violence is not OK and it's not their fault, is really important.
