Myths and Realities
People make a big deal about domestic violence, but it's not that common.
One in three NZ women experience physical and/or sexual abuse throughout their lifetime at the hands of a partner. Women and children are more at risk of violence in their homes than in the street. As a private crime behind closed doors, domestic violence never shows up in statistics as much as it occurs.
She asked for it /she probably deserved it.
No-one has the right to abuse another person. Drunk or sober, provocative or agreeable, everyone has the right to be safe from violence. By focusing on provocation, we excuse the person actually committing the violence. Violence against women is a criminal act. Violence against any person is a criminal act.
Why doesn't she leave?
Many people do not understand why the battered woman doesn't leave. Most victims who stay in a violent relationship recognise that if they take steps to leave, they risk the violence escalating. If your partner has threatened to kill you and your children, you will think very carefully before you put yourself or your family at greater risk. Most victims do not have enough support from outside the relationship to leave safely. Most women in seriously violent relationships eventually do leave, but may take a long time to get out, leaving and returning several times. We need to understand leaving as a process rather than a one-off event.
It will get better.
The longer the violence continues, the more serious the violence becomes. The relationship will only get better once the abuser stops violent and controlling behaviour.
Middle-class women are not the victims of violence as much as working-class women.
Violence occurs across all classes and socio-economic groups. Wealthy abusers use their resources to control their family. Violence is reported less often amongst higher socio-economic groups, who have more to lose from a criminal record.
Women in violent relationships are uneducated.
The formal education of women in relationships with abusers ranges from no qualification to doctorate.
Women in violent relationships are crazy.
This myth focuses blame on women and negative personality characteristics. Research shows that abusers and victims are no more crazy than people in non-violent relationships. "Crazy" behaviour adopted by some women may be their best attempt to survive in a very difficult situation.
Children need fathers.
Children need safety and security, not abuse. Children who grow up in families where there is violence are emotionally scarred and often repeat similar patterns in their own families. Fathers can choose to be non-violent with their women partners and children.
Drinking causes violence.
Alcohol and other drug abuse doesn't cause violence but may act as a "trigger" and increase the severity of the abuse. It is often used as an excuse for violence. Many violent offenders do not abuse alcohol or drugs, or may not be violent when intoxicated. Violent offenders who abuse alcohol or drugs need to address both problems. Continuing alcohol or drug abuse will reduce the effectiveness of stopping violence programmes.
Religious men are not violent.
Men who have religious beliefs are just as likely as other men to be violent. Religious beliefs often stress male superiority in the household. This thinking underlies violence as men believe they are justified to punish women and children for not being obedient.
Women are just as violent as men.
Some studies have shown that women are just as violent as men in heterosexual relationships. However, while some women may use violence towards their male partners, it is usually always men who use systematic violence for the purposes of instilling fear and dominating their partner. Statistics show us that it is usually women and children who are the victims of domestic violence.
Violent men are not loving partners.
Many violent men are at times loving, sensitive and playful. It may be this side of his personality which attracted women to him initially and induces the woman to stay.
Violent men cannot control their violence.
Men often believe this which enables them to avoid taking responsibility for their own behaviour. Violence is a tactic of choice - men choose who, when and where they abuse. Most men who are violent to their partners appear reasonable and "respectable" outside the family.
Domestic violence is a heterosexual thing and is rare in lesbian and gay relationships.
There is the same incidence of domestic violence in lesbian and gay relationships as in heterosexual relationships. The abuser may be the larger or the smaller partner, and there can be different tactics of control used, i.e. one partner may threaten to out the other partner to her family or employer.
